Still, even with all the healing that has happened and grief that has been processed, there is a tape that wants to play in my head. Tape?!? Yikes, that makes me old. Anyway, it goes something like this:
"You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't be waiting. You should be changing diapers and losing sleep and chasing a two year old. You should be in the throes of exhaustion. You should be tripping over toys and going to the doctor and worrying about developmental milestones. You shouldn't be here."
It's not so much a sad tape as a whiny, pouting, "this isn't fair and this isn't what I signed up for" tape, and I'm positive I'm not the only one playing it. Maybe it's a failed marriage. Maybe it's a lost loved one. Maybe it's unmet expectations. Maybe it's a job you lost or a promotion you didn't receive.
So a couple mornings ago, I was playing this tape for God, and I heard clearly in my heart, "Stop it!" Stop playing the tape of what should've been. Stop focusing on what wasn't. Start focusing on what is and have hope in what will be.
I can't change the past. I can't undo what's been done. But I can have hope for the future. I can have hope in the One who holds that future. So it's time to change my tape (or c.d. or the song on my playlist ... guess it all depends on when you were born).
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you." (Jeremiah 29:11-12 NKJV)